I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
