I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
