whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
