3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
