I smell stomach acid.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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