I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
