Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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