Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
