I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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