i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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