i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
