Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
