I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
