Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I think i got beer on your cat.
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