You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
