She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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