we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
