Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
