just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
