you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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