I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
