This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
