So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
