So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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