i need an iv and a liver transplant
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
