Pants 0. Shit 1.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
