Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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