Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
