look no pants
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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