You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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