It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
