Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
