It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
