I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish you could order shots online.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
