I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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