How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
my phone needs a breathalizer
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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