I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
