I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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