I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Never underestimate the power of titties
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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