so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
