i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
