I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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