Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
