Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
