If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
