we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
