My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
