Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
