Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
