We're like a lot better than the average bears
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
